Say Something
by Donavvin Nick
Summary: A JaceXAlec songfic featuring Say Something from A Great Big World. Just angsty, naughty drabble. Jace is an asshole, Alec knows it, but he chooses to ignore it. Again. ONEshot


**Hi. I'm Donavvin. And this is it. Yeah.**

_Say something, I'm giving up on you_

"Would you just say something? Anything?" Jace won't look at him, but Alec is sure that there's shame in his eyes. Jace just starts pulling on his jeans, the pair that has the hole big enough for his boney kneecap to show through. His blonde curls hang over his face, so Alec can't see his expression, and he himself is still naked. He doesn't bother dressing though, not when he and Jace haven't properly spoken in weeks, except for the occasional, "Alec, the demon is behind you," in Jace's bored voice, and the "Don't worry, I got it" that follows.

_I'll be the one, if you want me to_

"What is there to say?" Jace finally asks, his voice husky and exhausted. He glances up and frowns, half-disgusted if Alec didn't know better. "Aren't you going to put some clothes on?" Alec winces, even though he saw the blow coming.

"I'm sorry my body repulses you," Alec snaps. He pulls on his boxers and tugs his shirt on to the point of the seams ripping, but the cotton holds together.

_Anywhere I would have followed you_

"Alec, don't make me the bad guy," Jace mutters. As angry as he is, Alec wishes his parabatai would leave his shirt off. Jace blinks as the two men behaving like boys lock eyes.

"I love you," Alec whispers, and it's not a stern whisper, or anything intense. It's a desperate, needy sound, with conviction but no threat behind it. Alec may hunt demons, but he fights harder than he ever has before to hold back tears now.

_Say something, I'm giving up on you_

Jace doesn't say anything, of course. He just sits on the bed, Alec's bed, with his messed up sheets that smell of Jace's sweat and are probably still warm from the body heat they both had felt radiating off of each other, skin to skin, cheek to cheek. Alec wants to scream, feeling every pent up emotion of the last week bubbling to the surface, but he can't make much noise, because it's nearly morning and he worries if he even makes a sound it will become a sob, and a sob will lead to tears and tears will lead to…well, he'd rather not find out. Jace doesn't see any of this thought transpiring because he's facing the window, stoically lacing his boots as if nothing is wrong when, in fact, everything is wrong.

_And I, am feeling so small_

_It was over my head, I know nothing at all_

_And I, will stumble and fall_

_I'm still learning to love, just starting to crawl_

Alec, with a stilling heart, realizes what a fool he is, that he should have known when Jace wasn't holding his hand, when Jace went down on him but refused to kiss him, when he moaned and whimpered and gasped but never once uttered Alec's name, that something was wrong. Up until recently, they had made love, and now Alec felt like a cheap hookup and that he was being used by a pathetic closet-case, although he also considered himself a pathetic, closet-case. He wasn't sure that fact made the situation any better.

"Do you even care that you hurt me?" Alec wonders aloud, and Jace turns swiftly, standing. He is suddenly as close to Alec as he can be, but it feels like Jace is a million miles away.

"Where?" he mumbles, concern lacing what Alec is sure is supposed to be his passive, uncaring voice. "Where does it hurt?" Jace is checking him over but Alec just pulls away. He'll admit to himself that he's not sure who he is more disgusted by, Jace and his ridiculous self-hate, or himself, for being foolish enough to be his parabatai's fuck buddy. Absently, he's sure that there's an explicit rule against fuck buddies in general in the codex. Still, breaking rules seems to be the last thing he can imagine right now, save what his mother would say.

"That's not what I meant," he mutters. Jace seems to understand, because he steps back.

_Say something, I'm giving up on you_

_I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you_

Alec feels his breakdown coming on, and wonders why in the world he thought he could prevent it. Waves of regret wash over him; not regret for loving Jace, for having sex with him. Often. So often that he couldn't use his fingers to count, and mostly because Jace instigated it. Jace instigated everything, aggravated everyone. Celebratory sex and mourning sex and morning sex and evening sex and "Alec it's 3AM and I'm in love with Clary" sex and "I'm sorry I stole your poptart this morning" sex and "Alec, please help me because I'm broken and I hate myself" sex. Rough, loud sex that Izzy caught them in and then "this might be the last time because your sister walked in on us" sex right after that. Alec could think, if the circumstances were different, Jace and Alec would be very much in love, and that they fit together perfectly and that there was nothing else like sex with Jace in the entire world and he knew that if he could, if Jace wanted and the rest of the world permitted they would do nothing but fornicate like rabbits until physically they couldn't anymore. Alec figured he had the right to mourn the loss of that, right? Of the best, the first, the only relationship he had, would have? But it wasn't a relationship, because Jace didn't love him, Jace loved no one, and only hated himself, and Alec just wasn't worthy of Jace's love, if he could love, which he couldn't, as previously stated.

_Anywhere I would have followed you_

_Say something, I'm giving up on you_

_And I, will swallow my pride_

_You're the one that I love_

With that thought, Alec slumped to the ground, put his head between his knees, and sobbed. His chest heaved in and out with such force he feared his ribs would break and he would not have the courage or the stamina to fix them, and Jace would never do it for him because Jace didn't love him. And what if nobody could? Jace put his hand on Alec's shoulder, kneeling down to face him, but the fighter's ridged knuckles were white with the effort of something, Alec didn't know, but maybe Jace wanted to punch him or kiss him, and either would be fine. His hands were cold, and Alec pulled away, hopelessly tired. Tired of running off to the weapons room only to have Jace leave and be forced to tuck in his shirt alone, like his love was something to be ashamed of. To see the light and the smile and the joy leave Jace's eyes little by little. Self-hate eats away at a person's soul, so maybe that particular part of this loss wasn't entirely Alec's fault.

"Alec, don't," Jace tried, putting his hand down. "Don't," he tried again, but he wasn't sure what he was going to say, and Alec wondered too.

"Don't what?" he pressed, catching his breath, wiping at his tears furiously.

"Don't love me," Jace finishes.

_And I'm saying goodbye_

This lets loose another round of sobs from Alec, who all at once wants to scream and punch Jace, to shout that he can't help it, to shout that someone has to, but could settle for curling up in the blonde boy's lap, being soothed in the way only Jace could, holding him close and touching his hair. He wasn't sure how Jace learned to do that so well, but he never had the chance to dwell on it before, and never wanted to.

_Say something, I'm giving up on you_

_And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you_

_Anywhere I would have followed you_

_Say something, I'm giving up on you. _

Jace doesn't say anything else. He doesn't kiss Alec or promise not to hurt him anymore. He doesn't apologize for already hurting him. He just gets up and leaves the room, letting the door shut behind him. Alec had wanted to believe that the boy he loved more than anything else, had a heart. Maybe he did, but it must be frozen, or stone. Either way, it left Alec with nothing but a broken heart and some bed sheets that smelled like Jace.

_Say something, I'm giving up on you_

Alec gets up, stumbles to the bed and wraps himself in the blankets, puts his nose to the pillow and breathes in whatever is left of Jace's aftershave and isn't sure if he can ask for forgiveness now, but by the Angel, he'd ask for some relief, or maybe if he could just sleep through the last few hours of the morning. There's a knock on the door and he decides he'll blame the noise on a nightmare if he's asked. He gets up and opens the door. Jace is standing there, his eyes shining. It's the same look Alec receives every time Jace wants Alec to forgive him.

"Alec I'm sor—"

Alec shuts the door right in his face. If he knows himself, he knows he'll forgive Jace, but not until he's good and ready. He climbs back into bed, holds the pillow to his chest to warm it again, and hopes that it's not too late to ask for forgiveness.

_Say something…_


End file.
